Peace, Love, and Not-Understanding

As I’m sure most people do, I go back and forth between trying to be all ‘love everyone, be grateful, get your zen on’ and shit. But end up somewhere around ‘love everyone except the ones I don’t love and really everyone can just fuck off’.

Maybe most people don’t do it and it’s just me and I’m the only one with a chameleon-like disposition. But I doubt it.

At the very least, I really do try to promote acceptance and support amongst women. Like from girl to girl, chick to chick. We could all use to be a lot less catty about 90% of the time. Am I right?

But, that 10% that’s left over. . . It’s so much fun to throw shade when I’m slumming inside that 10%. To pass judgement on weight, hair, makeup, clothes, writing style, social media posts, accessories, emotions, etc. I mean, where else would we get such appropos standards as: The bigger the O, the bigger the ho when deciding hoop earring sizes in relation to sexual proclivities?

I know that I’m a nice, loyal, giving person at heart. Like deep down. But I also know that I’m a self-absorbed, selfish asshole too.

Like the other day someone, we’ll call them A, posted something on FB that set me off. I don’t even know the person. Someone I do know, we’ll call them B, shared it on their behalf. It was a simple, innocuous statement with one little sentiment that I could not abide by.

I told B that A should change what she wrote. B defended A. So, B and I went back and forth about it and she eventually pulled out the ‘big guns’ of: with everything else going on in the world, there’s not enough time or energy to waste on something as trivial as this.

You know that whole, I’m above this, or I’ll pretend to be, and you should be too, because the world is tragic enough, we need to support one another not tear people down, blah blah blah. (You have to read this in a snotty, holier-than-thou voice.)

Except, I don’t think I am above it. What A said still pisses me off. Her statement was naive, immature, and overly optimistic. I hate all of those things. And, yes I know the world is a a terrible place right now. But, good lord, if I thought about that every day I’d probably want to off myself after half a day. Shit is depressing as fuck.

Besides, the world, as a whole, is out of my control. The only thing I can control, tenuously at best, is my day to day life.

Aw, fuck.

Do you see what I did there? I just wrote myself into a fucking corner. I could go back and edit it now before you ever see it, but I won’t. If for no other reason than to remind myself of what an asshole I can be.

It’s those two little sentences before the ‘aw, fuck’ where I come full circle. Because A is a part of the world, as a whole, that is out of my control, blah blah blah. And I can’t do dick about what she thinks or says or posts. All I can control is my day to day life which would be my thoughts and reactions. Which THEN means I should temper my reactions to her and let her do her. And I just do me.

But sometimes I can’t. I really really can’t. Its too hard. The struggle is real, man. Back and forth. Sigh.

#angst #ThoughtsonLife

© 2020 by DENISE WELLS.