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Nature Girl vs Savage Beasts

I’m starting to think that maybe living in the wilderness is for people made of much stronger stuff than I am.

For instance, last night one of the fifty million alarm type things stuck on our ceiling went off. It wasn’t the security alarm, because I’d forgotten to set that. So, if you ever want to break into my house, just make sure it’s one of those nights when I forget. This was just a ‘beep-beep-beep’ at 2am. Because that is the only time alarm type things go off. I wake BW to go check it out. How he didn’t wake on his own boggles my mind. Come to think of it, even the dogs didn’t seem to care. So maybe super sonic alarm beep hearing is my super power.

BW is gone a long time. Like 15 minutes. Just when I’m convinced he’s dead, I see a light flashing around outside our bedroom window. I stay calm, because what are the chances that someone would try to break in now? I mean, the hall light is on, BW is downstairs, it’s just bad timing on their part. And, I’m pretty sure I could set the security alarm before they could break in. Anyway, light flashing outside, I stay calm, BW is downstairs, and then I hear the noise from the yard. WTF, right? I peek out the window and see BW is hosing down the ladder in the front yard.

I get it. We have vaulted ceilings, and he probably can’t reach the alarm type things on his own. And it’s sweet that he’s cleaning it off before bringing it in the house. He’s never been that considerate before. So when he finally comes back inside with the ladder, I thank him for cleaning the ladder first. Then tell him the alarm type thing hasn’t beeped in 20 minutes or so, and maybe we can sleep through the night without checking it. To which he replies, “Fuck. I just hosed all the spiders off the ladder. The bad kind too.”

Uh, what?

He continues, “We can’t bring anything in the house from that shed until I bomb the hell out of it. I’ll get some spray this weekend. It’s just too bad that it will kill all the good spiders too. I’m just going to put the ladder in downstairs bathroom for now then, and we’ll fix it tomorrow.”

Okay, first, there are NO good spiders. And second, I really, really want to ask if he’s SURE all the bad spiders are off the ladder. But I also don’t want to be THAT girl, and with his entire family’s safety at risk, I’m trusting that he did. Because if he’s calling the spiders bad, then I know they are horrific.

This morning I come downstairs, close the downstairs bathroom door just to be safe, get my coffee, I settle on the couch to read the news and check my email, cuddle with my dog, Mikey, for Mommy-Mikey-Coffee-Cuddle-Time, and out of the corner of my eye I see something spanning across the bulk of the living room picture window. It’s huge and menacing and spider like. See picture above.

The invasion has begun. It’s only a matter of time before our home resembles something out of “Kingdom of the Spiders” circa 1977. See picture below.

I mean, clearly I’m not cut out for this savage world of trees and nature and spiders. I can never go outside again, I’ll have to listen to my beautiful waterfall from an upstairs window. The shed with the bad spiders is just a few feet from the house, and right in the side yard. I’ve been in that shed. The Christmas ornaments are in that shed which means we’ll never have Christmas again.

People underestimate spiders. But if they have the power to cancel Christmas, there is no telling what they can do.

And, the alarm type thing has not beeped again.


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